So here I am. I know I had disappeared for a long while and the reason is quiet complicated but I will try to explain it since I want to address the elephant in the room – pun intended.
I woke up one day and I hated how I looked then I realized that I was still living with my problems of self-image and weight. Don’t get me wrong, I did not gain weight or lack the motivation to accept who I am. However, all of sudden, I had begun reverting to my old mindset and the issue just crept up on me. I always blog about how all women are beautiful no matter their shape or size; that we have to be confident and be ourselves, that we should never put ourselves down or feel inadequate because we are curvy and plus-sized. Sadly, I sometimes don’t think that about myself and the last few months have been agonizing.
I had been comfortable with the current size of my body for over 3 years now and with the acceptance came the confidence to wear fashionably but then there are those days when the whole world just conspires to remind me that I am still a plus sized girl in a skinny world. It is hard to write a blog about being curvy, confident and chic when you do not believe two-thirds of what you are conveying. I felt like a hypocrite.
Most women would not admit it especially when they have a blog about being curvy and confident that they have those depressing days of self-doubt but my reality is that I do have days were my weight is an issue for me; not health-wise but aesthetically; the way my body looks just bothers me at times. The problem is deep-rooted in my past and well I used to be a skinny teenager who had self-image issues with an eating disorder then I grew up to be a plus-sized girl with a metabolic syndrome. The universe can sometimes play a cruel joke at your expense and it feels like it didn’t spare any punches when it came to me.
While I love being a curvy woman, I don’t love the giggly bits that I’ve acquired through the years. I think that a curvy woman is attractive, seductive and feminine. I don’t want to lose my curves either, I just want to lose some of this ridiculous belly roll that I’ve developed. It also doesn’t help that shops in my country don’t carry clothing in my size, the largest sized clothes they might have is a 12. This makes shopping an embarrassing and traumatic experience then, there is the body shaming that happens on the street, at work and even in stores.
I am not a fan of diets, and I haven’t ever been! I tried a couple of things here and there but none of them stuck for even a week before I gave up. I tried to eat “healthy” and exercised on and off again for months losing weight but gaining it all back after giving up on the programs. Why worry about weight loss? I really want to start a family in the future and I want to be healthy for my family. I want to run again. I miss running and the high it gives me but with too many extra pounds, it hurts to run and I give up easily.I am a super competitive person and that’s when I start freaking out when I try different things and I realize I hadn’t lost as much weight as I had “expected”. I’m now throwing my expectations out the door and going with what feels right and good adapting a healthier lifestyle.
As I write this post, I decided not to waste my time thinking about it but instead focus on working at improving myself in a healthy way. Hope I succeed this time around.